Revealed

I’m about to share something that not many people have seen before. I’m about to show you a photo of my back.

Some people will be surprised to read this. “Zan, what’s up?” you might be asking. “Isn’t this something that you’re always trying to hide? And now you’re coming out into the open with it?” Truthfully, I’m kind of surprised myself. I’ve thought about it in the past – wanting to illustrate what my back looks like after I wrote about having corrective surgery for scoliosis, and how I have a long scar – but I just couldn’t. I don’t like how it looks; I’m very self-conscious about it.

I participated in a Flickr group called What Do You Want?, and one of their weekly challenges brought the idea back into my mind. One of the challenges was to take a photo of: “A part of your body that you’re unhappy with.” They also ask you to “photograph it in such a way that you actually grow to like the photo,” which I think in this case might be a bit of a stretch. But the decision wasn’t just about this photo challenge, of course. After all, I’m the one who makes the decisions about what does and doesn’t get posted on my website.

I actually have a fear that people might look at it and feel disgusted, or think, “Wow, I’m glad that’s not me.” Maybe that’s unfair, but maybe not. I will say, absolutely truthfully, that it was very difficult for me just to take this photo. I’ve never attempted to take a picture of my back before. I’ve looked at it in the mirror, of course, but I knew that I wouldn’t like to see the display on a camera screen – not to mention sharply magnified on the computer.

I literally took about fifteen shots. I would take one, and then look at it…no. I would try again…no. I was getting frustrated. I didn’t cry, but I felt like it. Finally I just stopped and decided to pick one of the ones that I’d already taken. After all, it wasn’t going to get any better. I either had to do it, or just forget about it completely and pretend that I never had the idea in the first place.

So if that’s the case…why am I doing this? I’ve written about how even though my back is better than it was before I had surgery, it doesn’t look “normal.” I’ve also said that I’m self-conscious about wearing formfitting shirts, and have posted photos like this. The truth is, there have been many times where I’ve been impressed and influenced by the candidness of other bloggers, and the things that they decide to reveal about themselves. So for me, this is about not covering up. This is about me not hiding.

I’m about to share something that not many people have seen before. I’m about to show you a photo of my back.

See it here.

(Note: this post was originally published last month on my website, Keep Up With Me.